I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy. — Zach Galifianakis Candy Copy Share Image
My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions. — Zach Galifianakis Failure Copy Share Image
I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it. — Zach Galifianakis Anxiety Copy Share Image
I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins. — Zach Galifianakis Comedy Copy Share Image
Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people? — Zach Galifianakis Funny Copy Share Image
I don't want my personal life to change. I don't understand why people strive for fame. I know it's ironic for me… — Zach Galifianakis Fame Copy Share Image
The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to. — Zach Galifianakis Cameras Copy Share Image
I don't really have a pattern yet. I don't know if I'll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don't have… — Zach Galifianakis Comedic Copy Share Image
I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a… — Zach Galifianakis Communication Copy Share Image
There was a long time where I was an 'artist' in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I… — Zach Galifianakis Art Copy Share Image
But comedy is like music, it appeals to some people. Some people like Creed, those people are usually pretty stupid. But they… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
'Baskets' isn't a CBS show. Nothing against that, but this is an off-kilter show on cable that the channel lets you do… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
People get TV deals by doing something in their grandmother's basement. It is definitely the wave. Everybody is trying to do all… — Zach Galifianakis Auditions Copy Share Image
I think if you come out to California trying to be an actor, it's pretty hard. There's desperation. A lot of people… — Zach Galifianakis Actors Copy Share Image
I have a 60-acre farm in North Carolina, and I have a tractor and a farmhouse. As soon as I groom the… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey.… — Zach Galifianakis Acting Copy Share Image
I knew from day one, when the VH1 guys came in and said, 'Don't make fun of Cher, don't make fun of… — Zach Galifianakis Good marriage Copy Share Image
I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something. — Zach Galifianakis Comedy Copy Share Image
I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal. — Zach Galifianakis Being famous Copy Share Image
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, "Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny. — Zach Galifianakis Comedy Copy Share Image
My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I know my face is turning red. I don't want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It's rage. The color of… — Zach Galifianakis Anger Copy Share Image
I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing. — Zach Galifianakis Cursing Copy Share Image
My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me! — Zach Galifianakis Book Copy Share Image
My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple… — Zach Galifianakis Charades Copy Share Image
Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not… — Zach Galifianakis Busboys Copy Share Image
I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and… — Zach Galifianakis Anger Copy Share Image
I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women. — Zach Galifianakis Dedicated Copy Share Image
My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
