Funny Quotes by Zach Galifianakis

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.

— Zach Galifianakis

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

— Zach Galifianakis

I call my balls the bush twins.

— Zach Galifianakis

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

— Zach Galifianakis

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

— Zach Galifianakis

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

— Zach Galifianakis

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

— Zach Galifianakis

I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.

— Zach Galifianakis

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

— Zach Galifianakis

Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'

— Zach Galifianakis

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.

— Zach Galifianakis

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

— Zach Galifianakis

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

— Zach Galifianakis

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

— Zach Galifianakis

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales…

— Zach Galifianakis

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry…

— Zach Galifianakis

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope…

— Zach Galifianakis

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the…

— Zach Galifianakis

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a…

— Zach Galifianakis

My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just…

— Zach Galifianakis

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple…

— Zach Galifianakis

I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and…

— Zach Galifianakis

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front…

— Zach Galifianakis

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

— Zach Galifianakis

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

— Zach Galifianakis

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

— Zach Galifianakis

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

— Zach Galifianakis

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

— Zach Galifianakis

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

— Zach Galifianakis

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

— Zach Galifianakis

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

— Zach Galifianakis

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

— Zach Galifianakis

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

— Zach Galifianakis

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

— Zach Galifianakis

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

— Zach Galifianakis

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

— Zach Galifianakis

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

— Zach Galifianakis

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble…

— Zach Galifianakis

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He…

— Zach Galifianakis

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also…

— Zach Galifianakis