My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people… — Zach Galifianakis Dad Copy Share Image
Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done. — Zach Galifianakis Comedy Copy Share Image
I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before. — Zach Galifianakis Alcoholic Copy Share Image
I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of… — Zach Galifianakis Advantage Copy Share Image
I like to go to really bad movies, during their sixth week, and there's only one other person in the theatre, and… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I was talking to my mom the other day, and she called me a weirdo. It was the first time I'd ever… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass… — Zach Galifianakis Acting Copy Share Image
If I were 26 and this was happening, it would be all great, and I would probably buy like 17 Dodge Vipers.… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I am not really into porn. I have always wanted to go to a table read for a porn though. If I… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness. — Zach Galifianakis Bad language Copy Share Image
It was in the back of a hamburger joint in Times Square. I did a joke about not wanting to sleep on… — Zach Galifianakis Joke Copy Share Image
You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
“Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy. — Zach Galifianakis Comedy Copy Share Image
My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon.… — Zach Galifianakis Baby Copy Share Image
I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I… — Zach Galifianakis Boss Copy Share Image
I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I… — Zach Galifianakis Anger Copy Share Image
