Ralphie May Quotes

27 quotes in 340 categories

• Jesus was a pothead- long hair, beard, sandals, carpenter- do the math it all adds up. Living with twelve guys with no visible means of…
• I live in a very dangerous part of Los Angeles.. it's called Los Angeles.
• My father passed on one important piece of relationship advice before he died. He said son, in a relationship you can either be right or…
• If you want to be called a dwarf you must be in immediate possession of a battle axe cause otherwise your just a midget with…
• Roses are red, violets are blue, so are my balls thanks to you.
• As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.
• I have a lot of pride in the fact that I don't do a lot of fat material. I give people who are overweight a…
• I hate comics that try to change the world. That's not my job. That's for the king. I'm the jester. I'm there to make you…
• My wife is also a standup comic, so it's something for me that's awesome. She's a beautiful girl. I really married above my level. She…
• I loved Celebrity Fit Club. Celebrity Fit Club had a lot of heart especially if people go into it with a positive attitude like I…
• Last Comic Standing was a great opportunity and it was a great learning experience. Even though I didn't win, I've had more success than the…
• I was sweating like R. Kelly at the Kids Choice Awards.
• If you can take a dick in the ass, you can DAMN sure take a joke!
• I got a little bit o black in me. I didnt get that big dick though...I got bad credit, aint that a bitch?
• My neighborhood is so bad. This is how we have to order at the drive-thru if we wanna stay alive...
• Let me get a Jumbo Jizzack with cheese like a motha fucka!
• Wanna give a shout-out to the Fry Guy, got much love fo the Fry Guy? let me get a cold drank, need a cold drank.…
• Im still trying to decide if hes a punk-ass bitch, or a bitch-ass punk.
• Man, Ive got forty pounds of underwear!
• I may have cut it a little close, but youll have heard that already by now!

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