Jeffrey Bernard

In most betting shops you will see three windows marked 'Bet Here', but only one window with the legend 'Pay Out'.

— Jeffrey Bernard

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

— Jeffrey Bernard

My misdeeds are accidental happenings and merely the result of having been in the wrong bar or bed at the wrong time,…

— Jeffrey Bernard

Oh, the self-importance of fading stars. Never mind, they will be black holes one day.

— Jeffrey Bernard

There's nothing undignified about lying about all day and being waited on by servants, sipping bloody champagne.

— Jeffrey Bernard

I was under the care of a couple of medical students who couldn't diagnose a decapitation.

— Jeffrey Bernard

Oh, to me not drinking is like being dead, almost. I sit here taking endless journeys down memory lane. It gets boring.

— Jeffrey Bernard

They smoke cigarettes professionally. The smoke is inhaled very sharply and the teeth are bared.Then the head turns to give you a…

— Jeffrey Bernard

A lot of girls annoy me who go to university - one girl told me she was going to Oxford because it…

— Jeffrey Bernard

What a pity people don't take as much trouble with their own breeding as intelligent racehorse owners do. But then I suppose…

— Jeffrey Bernard

I enjoy doing nothing.

— Jeffrey Bernard

But you've got to have money for comfort, which obviously doesn't matter as much when you're young, but even so. I always…

— Jeffrey Bernard

When I was a boy, I naively thought that this thing called happiness would be something I would wake up to find…

— Jeffrey Bernard

The only reason I would have liked to have gone to university is because I like cricket. Not a very good reason…

— Jeffrey Bernard

Journalism is the only thinkable alternative to working.

— Jeffrey Bernard

Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, 'Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, genitals, current account, confidence, razor…

— Jeffrey Bernard

It's not name dropping, but not many people can say, like me, that they spent the day with the likes of Francis…

— Jeffrey Bernard

It's one thing to ask your bank manager for an overdraft to buy 500 begonias for the borders in Haslemere, but quite…

— Jeffrey Bernard

You never see a pretty, unattached girl on a racecourse. But you often see positive gangs of rather unpretty ones. They are…

— Jeffrey Bernard

I have stood in a bar in Lambourn and been offered, in the space of five minutes, a poached salmon, a leg…

— Jeffrey Bernard

One of the things that goes with getting older is that one becomes more conservative - and I emphasise that when I…

— Jeffrey Bernard

I have been commissioned to write an autobiography and I would be grateful to any of your readers who could tell me…

— Jeffrey Bernard

The more necessary it becomes to stop drinking, the more impossible it becomes to stop.

— Jeffrey Bernard

I don't remember ever being full of dislike and hatred for people, like some kids I've come across now.

— Jeffrey Bernard

Although I have to admit I have despised a couple of people simply because they have never had a job in their…

— Jeffrey Bernard