Jeff Ross Quotes

40 quotes in 528 categories

• South Park called...they want their everything back.
• How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?
• I would vote for you for President but I'm against big government.
• Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?
• Comedy comes from pain, and no one knows that better than this woman Roseanne Barr—who was molested as a child. Uch. That poor molester. Roseanne…
• Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.
• I think Jersey stands alone, and because I'm from Jersey, I never make fun of where people are from. I'll make fun of what they…
• Last time I was in Canada Celine Dion had just given birth to identical twins. Which is quite an achievement given her age and face.
• I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny…
• When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.
• Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.
• Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not…
• With everybody having a Facebook and a Twitter, I feel like regular people consider themselves stars. It's a live, real-time upload of every time we…
• Nobody likes a bad sport, no matter what the circumstances are.
• My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into…
• I was the kid who always hung back and then dropped the jokes when you least expected it. Timing was everything. My mouth sort of…
• Athletes tend to have less of a sense of humor than most people. They are heroes to so many. That might be part of it.
• Humor that is edgy is never squeaky clean.
• Occasionally a roast master needs to get out of Dodge.
• Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. Im impressed youre here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this.…

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