Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets! — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
I'm extremely moved by the loving, caring relationship the President always seems to have with his imaginary son. — Dennis Miller Caring Copy Share Image
A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
“Big Pharma prefers the model of mail order pharmacy where prescription drug orders are filled the same way that Amazon.com fills orders… — Dennis Miller Drug Copy Share Image
I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. — Dennis Miller Cat Copy Share Image
South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their… — Dennis Miller Clothes Copy Share Image
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If… — Dennis Miller Coroner Copy Share Image
And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this… — Dennis Miller Beverages Copy Share Image
What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
The claim that somehow raw foods give you better energy, are more healthful, improve your immune system and all of that is… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and… — Dennis Miller Approval Copy Share Image
The next time you get the urge to shut somebody up because they don't see the world exactly the same way you… — Dennis Miller Amendments Copy Share Image
I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun. — Dennis Miller Battle Copy Share Image
The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if… — Dennis Miller Country Copy Share Image
Jerry Falwell says that abortion and homosexuality are sins. Oh yeah? Well, so is gluttony, Jerry. So maybe you should think about… — Dennis Miller Abortion Copy Share Image
I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much… — Dennis Miller Apathy Copy Share Image
I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet. — Dennis Miller Alphabet Copy Share Image
Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
After September 11th, freedom of speech in America has become a topic that's touchier than a Vatican summer camp. — Dennis Miller America Copy Share Image
The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the… — Dennis Miller Enemy Copy Share Image
Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this." — Dennis Miller Humans Copy Share Image
Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program. — Dennis Miller Democracy Copy Share Image
If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children! — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot. — Dennis Miller Climate Copy Share Image
A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George. — Dennis Miller Clock Copy Share Image
When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. — Dennis Miller Funny Copy Share Image
How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching. — Dennis Miller God Copy Share Image
It's wrong to discriminate based on skin color when there are so many other reasons not to like someone. — Dennis Miller Color Copy Share Image
Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger. — Dennis Miller Auto mechanic Copy Share Image
If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the… — Dennis Miller Comedian Copy Share Image
