“Yep. Thanks for calling us, Drake. You’re the kind of man a man wants when a man wants a man.” — David Wong Copy Share Image
“You want sympathy, you can find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.” — David Wong Sympathy Copy Share Image
“Snap. Ka-chunk. That’s how I spell the sound of a doorknob turning.” — David Wong Chunk Copy Share Image
“I woke up in my bathroom, startled. I had nodded off while pooping. Long goddamned day.” — David Wong Copy Share Image
The phrase 'sodomized by a bratwurst poltergeist' suddenly flew through my mind. — David Wong Copy Share Image
“Every man is blessed with his gifts from the Lord. One of mine happens to be a penis large enough that, if… — David Wong Copy Share Image
“The floor was littered with paper cups and candy wrappers and cigarette butts and other teenager droppings. I saw a used condom… — David Wong Littered Copy Share Image
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” asked “That if Franz Kafka were here his head would explode?” “Actually, yeah.” — David Wong Thinking Copy Share Image
“What followed had been … frantic. The underwear actually wound up with a little rip in them. She had found one of his… — David Wong Copy Share Image
“Franky the Cop let me lead the way outside to the shed, staying a few steps back so that he could have… — David Wong Copy Share Image
“John unzipped the satchel and pulled out a weapon he had made, a Bible wrapped around the end of a baseball bat… — David Wong Bible Copy Share Image
“NO!” he screamed at it. “No! Don’t you see, you dumb son of a bitch? We don’t want to kill you! Can… — David Wong Copy Share Image
“Here's the only thing you need to know about John: The reason I was surprised by your hand was because he never… — David Wong Copy Share Image
What humans want most of all, is to be right. Even if we're being right about our own doom. If we believe… — David Wong Copy Share Image
“I’m not crazy,” I said, crazily, to my court-appointed therapist. He seemed bored with our session. That actually made me want to… — David Wong Copy Share Image
I wanted to curl up into a fetal position and start sucking my thumb, let my tears and dripping saliva pool under… — David Wong Copy Share Image
“Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of… — David Wong Astronomy Copy Share Image
“Contrary to what TV and movies have told you, it’s nearly impossible to have a hallucination that you can both see and… — David Wong Execution Copy Share Image
To this day I don’t know if he was struggling with the moral implications of gunning down half a dozen civilians, or… — David Wong Copy Share Image
“I had a familiar, nervous sensation, one that goes all the way back to elementary school. It's the simultaneous realization that I… — David Wong Copy Share Image
“I took a breath and said, “Look … you remember when we watched Star Wars with Amy? And she’s like, ‘Why is Princess… — David Wong Star wars Copy Share Image
“And then the Jamaican guy pulls out the sauce. "It be opening doors to other worlds, mon," he days. We made him… — David Wong Copy Share Image
The bathroom door burst open, and Molly came trotting out. The left half of her body had been shaved almost down to… — David Wong Copy Share Image
We know that global capitalism, and the commercially driven culture that comes with it, can be a powerful solvent, but many of… — David Wong Copy Share Image
We depend for so much on those we love that of course we want them to have desirable personal qualities and to… — David Wong Copy Share Image
“The zombie looks like a man, walks like a man, eats and otherwise functions fully, yet is devoid of the spark. It… — David Wong Horror Copy Share Image
Globalization in part means that a lot of people are walking into the room and in some cases becoming influential or even… — David Wong Country Copy Share Image
“John, let me make one thing clear,” Jim said, cutting me off in his most stern, evangelical voice. “Every man is blessed… — David Wong Copy Share Image
Both sameness and difference are issues for us. A sign of cultural homogenization is that languages are disappearing at an alarming rate.… — David Wong Copy Share Image
“Damn it! I knew she was a monster! John! Amy! Listen! Guard your buttholes.” — David Wong Comic Copy Share Image
“John. I would ask you what you are doing, but I fear you would actually tell me.” — David Wong Fear Copy Share Image
“There was no head. What the— “LOOK! SHIT!” Franky’s head was making a run for” — David Wong Copy Share Image
She sat one of the fluffy cats in my lap and stuffed the other down my shirt. She turned and left. 'There,'… — David Wong Cat Copy Share Image
“We moved in silence for a moment and I said, “How did we screw this all up so badly, John?” He shook… — David Wong Silence Copy Share Image
“So why do we call her crazy for piling her trailer full of more cats than she could take care of but… — David Wong Copy Share Image
