Best David Sedaris Quotations
- As I searched the atlas for somewhere to run to, Hugh made a case for his old stomping grounds. His first suggestion was Beirut, where… Africa
- And when Hugh would grow progressively Gandhi on me, I'd remind him that these were pests---disease carriers who feasted upon the dead and then came… Came
- It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my new look he put down his… Announces
- They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should have seen their underwear. Disgusting. Believe
- This is hurting me a lot more than it’s hurting you," he said. It was his standard line, but I knew that this time he… Across
- After the trial, I watched as another female pathologist collected maggots from a spinal column found in the desert. There was a decomposed head, too,… Along
- There is still the outside world to contend with. A world of backfiring cars, and their human equivalents. Backfiring
- Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage. First Marriage
- I gave my mother a matching set [of mugs] for Christmas, and she accepted them as graciously as possible, announcing that they would make the… Accepted
- Besides, if I wanted to hear people speaking wall-to-wall French, all I had to do was remove my headphones and participate in what is known… All
- Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between… America
- Perhaps the little Negro girl was holding a concealed razor blade. Maybe she was one of the troublemakers out for a fresh white scalp. Blade
- I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself. Assign
- It was the look you get when facing a sudden and insurmountable danger: the errant truck, the shaky ladder, the crazy person who pins you… Crazy
- I didn't know about the rest of the class, but when Bastille Day eventually rolled around, I planned to stay home and clean my oven. Bastille
- To spend your days in the company of naked men - that was the life for me. 'Turn a bit to the left, Jean-Claude. I… Bit
- Nobody pours stuffing like you do, my friend. Friend
- Amy adored both the new look and the new person it allowed her to be. Following the photo shoot, she wore her bruises to the… Adored
- This left me alone to solve the coffee problem - a sort of catch-22, as in order to think straight I need caffeine, and in… Alone
- I had paid for my folly and, as a reward, was invited to take part in the nest builder’s performance piece. The script was great.… Asked
- When forced to leave my house for an extended period of time, I take my typewriter with me, and together we endure the wretchedness of… Airport
- In order to get the things I want, it helps me to pretend I’m a figure in a daytime drama, a schemer. Soap opera characters… Back Half
- I won't put in a load of laundry, because the machine is too loud and would drown out other, more significant noises - namely, the… Dead
- Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat. Art
- If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever. Clever
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