Christopher Titus Quotes

23 quotes in 320 categories

• Born free. Taxed to death.
• Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.
• God bless America. But God, please help Canada.
• If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.
• No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
• Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
• Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.
• Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people…
• Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.
• The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..."
• We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse.
• Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.
• My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed…
• Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.
• I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm…
• I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.
• And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with…
• I lost 28 pounds in my divorce…because that's what a soul weighs.
• I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.
• The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

Browse Christopher Titus Quotes by Category