Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it. — Anthony Jeselnik Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes. — Anthony Jeselnik Cruise Copy Share Image
What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball. — Anthony Jeselnik Soccer Copy Share Image
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they… — Anthony Jeselnik Attention Copy Share Image
My first time on stage was the class "graduation" at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I… — Anthony Jeselnik Class Copy Share Image
I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about… — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just… — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands. — Anthony Jeselnik Assault Copy Share Image
I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks… — Anthony Jeselnik Being nice Copy Share Image
If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy… — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be… — Anthony Jeselnik Attention Copy Share Image
My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No… — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about… — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop. — Anthony Jeselnik Abortion Copy Share Image
My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding. — Anthony Jeselnik Marriage Copy Share Image
I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler. — Anthony Jeselnik Arrogant Copy Share Image
My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing. — Anthony Jeselnik Amazing Copy Share Image
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look. — Anthony Jeselnik Body Copy Share Image
I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop. — Anthony Jeselnik Candle Copy Share Image
Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend. — Anthony Jeselnik Being a better person Copy Share Image
Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst. — Anthony Jeselnik People Copy Share Image
I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up. — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
![“Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.” quote by Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/a07/anthony-jeselnik-1838_attention_silence-means-they-the-audience-are-payi_2096332.png)
