I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14. — Anthony Jeselnik Girlfriend Copy Share Image
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say. — Anthony Jeselnik Comedian Copy Share Image
Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke. — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling… — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time. — Anthony Jeselnik Dad Copy Share Image
My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them… — Anthony Jeselnik Brilliant Copy Share Image
I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready.… — Anthony Jeselnik Album Copy Share Image
I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator.… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said… — Anthony Jeselnik Accidents Copy Share Image
I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up. — Anthony Jeselnik Acting Copy Share Image
I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it. — Anthony Jeselnik Baby Copy Share Image
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death. — Anthony Jeselnik Death Copy Share Image
Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it. — Anthony Jeselnik Baby Copy Share Image
I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally. — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to… — Anthony Jeselnik Authority Copy Share Image
I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone… — Anthony Jeselnik Dark Copy Share Image
Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see… — Anthony Jeselnik Children Copy Share Image
An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything. — Anthony Jeselnik Audience Copy Share Image
