My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything… — Anthony Jeselnik Baby Copy Share Image
I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll… — Anthony Jeselnik Football Copy Share Image
My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep. — Anthony Jeselnik Brother Copy Share Image
I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them. — Anthony Jeselnik Country Copy Share Image
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of… — Anthony Jeselnik Albums Copy Share Image
I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a… — Anthony Jeselnik Attention Copy Share Image
Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the… — Anthony Jeselnik Audience Copy Share Image
When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be… — Anthony Jeselnik Belief Copy Share Image
In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a… — Anthony Jeselnik Being funny Copy Share Image
My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want… — Anthony Jeselnik Goal Copy Share Image
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat… — Anthony Jeselnik Ants Copy Share Image
I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside… — Anthony Jeselnik Comedy Copy Share Image
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let… — Anthony Jeselnik Doctor Copy Share Image
Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album? — Anthony Jeselnik Album Copy Share Image
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year. — Anthony Jeselnik Couple Copy Share Image
On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of… — Anthony Jeselnik Charismatic Copy Share Image
With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not… — Anthony Jeselnik Big break Copy Share Image
My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a… — Anthony Jeselnik Cry Copy Share Image
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one… — Anthony Jeselnik Accident Copy Share Image
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself. — Anthony Jeselnik Against death penalty Copy Share Image
I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
![“Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.” quote by Anthony Jeselnik](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/065/anthony-jeselnik-1838_amy_amy-schumer-and-i-each-have-our-cross-to_1127581.png)
