Witty Quotes · Page 50

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for…

— Rodney Dangerfield

You know you're on your period when everyone around you has an attitude problem.

— Nikhil Saluja

Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.

— Nikhil Saluja

“Some people drink to forget. He drank to remember more selectively.”

— Janus Lucky

A girl gives you a massage. The woman gives you a happy ending.

— Nikhil Saluja

For those who woke up in a Fussy mood this morning do me a favor, punch your spouse in their fucking face.

— Nikhil Saluja

Raillery is a mode of speaking in favor of one's wit at the expense of one's better nature.

— Anonymous

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

— Anonymous

Million dollar idea for a sci-fic movie: A world just like ours but with one key difference. When your phone dies, YOU…

— Nikhil Saluja

I always love it whenever Rose delivers one of her witty one-liners—particularly when it’s a completely serious situation. The contrast always amuses…

— Richelle Mead

Dr. Seuss provided "ingenious and uniquely witty solutions to the standing problem of the juvenile fantasy writer: how to find, not another…

— Clifton Fadiman

The other day a girl wearing a shirt that says I'm just waiting for a better day so I Smooched her &…

— Nikhil Saluja

A good church is a Bible-centered church. Nothing is as important as this--not a large congregation, a witty pastor, or tangible experiences…

— Alistair Begg

HUSBAND, FAITHFUL, That man who is married to a trusting wife (a definition that can be either truthful or cynical)

— Nikhil Saluja

I Followed you, I starred you, I retweeted you, I DM'ed you, I lost you, I blocked you, I never wanna see…

— Nikhil Saluja

Do you want to make money from Facebook? It's easy. Just go to your Account Setting, Deactivate your account, and Go To…

— Anonymous

If a woman has her tampon behind her ear and can't find her cigarette watch out. She's having a terrible day.

— Nikhil Saluja

My father could be very witty, even if the humor was always on the darker side of irony.

— Maurice Sendak

The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.

— Anonymous

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

— Colin Quinn

That awkward moment when your phone goes dead in the middle of a interesting conversation...

— Lonniedagreat

MARRIAGE, The alliance of two people, one who never remembers birthdays, and the other who never forgets them;

— Nikhil Saluja

I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.

— Woody Allen

Ask and you shall receive does not apply to ugly people.

— Nikhil Saluja

MARRIAGE, A delightful form of combat where you get to sleep with the enemy;

— Nikhil Saluja

There are no relationship problems that can't be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

— Nikhil Saluja

“Silence had weight. And in that moment, it was heavier than both of them could carry.”

— Janus Lucky

If it were not for the company of fools, a witty man would often be greatly at a loss.

— Francois de La Rochefoucauld

When I said What did I do this time? I really meant What did you catch me doing?

— Nikhil Saluja

Ladies don't ask for much. They just want shoes, diamonds, less work, free money & a perfect man.

— Nikhil Saluja

To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.

— Tina Fey

Wit is a sword; it is meant to make people feel the point as well as see it.

— Anonymous

The Law is a grim, unsmiling thing. Not Justice, though. Justice is witty and whimsical and kind and caring.

— Rohinton Mistry

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

— Nikhil Saluja

Witticisms please as long as we keep them within boundaries, but pushed to excess they cause offense.

— Phaedrus

“He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.”

— Derek Landy

Grave authors say, and witty poets sing, That honest wedlock is a glorious thing.

— Alexander Pope

People who can't be witty exert themselves to be devout and affectionate.

— George Eliot

24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. Rehab is for quitters.

— Nikhil Saluja

Never let your Ladys mind wonder. its too little to be out on its own

— Nikhil Saluja