If you get a ticket, you can go to traffic school, and they make you watch movies for like eight hours: head-on collisions, mannequins flying out the windshield. At the end of the movie, the instructor goes, 'Now what have… — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
I was making love one night with my wife and she said: 'You're in me.' I know where I am, shut the fuck up. — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
I sit down with my daughter and I said, 'Do you know how babies get here?' And she said, 'Well, the lady has an egg inside of her, and the man has sperm inside of him, and the sperm meets the egg, and that's how the lady gets pregnant.' And I said, 'Do you know how the sperm meets the… — Robert Schimmel Copy Share
Caution: Anal intercourse may lead to irregular heart rhythms. Yeah, you know I'm never gonna have to worry about that. Because God gave me… — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it. — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
They do sell a lot of weird things in sex shops. They have this stuff called Mr. Big Cream. It says, 'Rub it on… — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that's painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that'll be easy… — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television. — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: 'You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation.' Yeah, does… — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled… — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you… — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy. — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
My daughter saw this billboard for this place: 'Swim With the Dolphins.' She goes, 'I wanna do that.' I said, 'It's a lot of… — Robert Schimmel Copy Share Image
