You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
The reason I say I'm a horrible person is I don't want myself to be presented as somebody who's a great Catholic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?' — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, "Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it" — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
My faith is very personal. It's not something that I want to project on other people. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There are different parts of us. You want to feel safe but you want to also feel challenged. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm a weirdo that goes on stage to make strangers laugh, but if I wasn't working, I would just want to be… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am somebody who - my path to my faith is very kind of individual, and I don't want to be lumped… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I kind of consider myself... I mean, I try to have my comedy be accessible, and if people are paying $30 to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn't divide people. I never… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
If someone picks up one thing you've written, you want them to go, 'Wow, this is pretty good.' — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't want to pick a team. I want to make people laugh and hopefully bring some - be humorous about the… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm kind of like a guy who's missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I personally have no interest in being a star or a celebrity. I want my stand-up comedy and how I think as… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It took me a long time to understand not to get caught up in other people's expectations. It really comes down to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Television's very much a writer's medium, as it probably should be, but if you're not the writer, then as the performer, you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
