The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
My feet are completely flat, but for most of my life they were still shaped like feet. Now, thanks to bunions, they're… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I had to wrestle daily with both my inadequacy and my uncontrollable jealousy. I didn't want to kill her, but hoped someone… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I don't really do very well when I'm sent somewhere. A lot of magazines want to send you somewhere to do something.… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I don't write about sex because it's not really my subject. I love it when other people write about it, but it's… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The good thing about being gay, though, I always believed, is that you didn't make anyone go to a wedding. Nobody wants… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I would still be reading out loud. I think that if you are any kind of an artist, then validation is just… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Across town, over in the East Village, the graffiti was calling for the rich to be eaten, imprisoned, or taxed out of… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In order to get the things I want, it helps me to pretend I’m a figure in a daytime drama, a schemer.… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
At the morgue, people were so desensitized that they would eat lunch in the glass walled room adjacent to the autopsy room.… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“States vote to take away my marriage rights, and even though I don’t want to get married, it tends to hurt my… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
You meet people who say, "Oh, I'd like to do such-and-such, but I don't have the time." But it always seemed to… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Listen, you might want to pack a few of your things together before going to bed. The former bishop of Turkey will… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
When you go to that other country you realize that in France and in England, you don't ask somebody what they do… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Someone told me something recently about Sarah Palin, someone I trusted in the book business. They said, "I worked with Palin. She… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
What's strange is, the people who want to be in the position are never asked to be in the position. Like, if… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I had paid for my folly and, as a reward, was invited to take part in the nest builder’s performance piece. The… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I always say to young people, "Get the hell out of the United States." Especially if you're young, like if you're 21… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I've maintained old friendships, like with people I knew in the nineteen-seventies, but have lost the knack for meeting new people. This… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
His embarassment would have pleased me, but once he recovered, there would be that awkward period that sometimes culminates in a handshake.… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In America, if your next-door neighbor has a Rolls-Royce, you want one too. But in England, if your neighbor has a Rolls-Royce,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
We're not unique in our family. We're more ambitious but we're not special. I'm not funnier than anyone else in my family;… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I would start by writing to an adult, maybe a high school teacher, or maybe an aunt or uncle, and writing and… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick… — David Sedaris Copy Share
“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk… — David Sedaris Copy Share
“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a… — David Sedaris Copy Share
“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,… — David Sedaris Copy Share
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here… — David Sedaris Copy Share
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share
“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share
“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you… — David Sedaris Copy Share
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work… — David Sedaris Copy Share
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a… — David Sedaris Copy Share
I spent months searching for some secret code before I realized that common sense has nothing to do with it. Hysteria, psychosis, torture, depression:… — David Sedaris Copy Share
I hated leaving a hole in the smoking world, and so I recruited someone to take my place. People have given me a lot… — David Sedaris Copy Share
