We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it's not there anymore? And then when… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I became a radio nut. I loved the afternoon serials, and I got into jazz through the radio. I had a subscription… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
No one has to come see my shows who doesn't like me talking about white Christians. They are free not buy a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Brenda [Carlin] went into therapy and I soon joined her. First we put the drugs behind us, then we began serious work… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
In my fifth-grade yearbook - it's right up there on the top shell - the last page says, "What about your future?"… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god - that there's a man in the sky with 10 things… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If anyone e-mails you something "by George Carlin," there's a 99 percent chance I did not write it. I didn't write "Paradox… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think self-expression is present at all times, and whether or not you're talking about the outside world or your responses to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they're wearing… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't see much of a future for this planet. I think it's a cursed planet. The boundaries we've drawn between nations… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
My mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share
![“Brenda [Carlin] went into therapy and I soon joined her. First we put the drugs behind us, then we began serious work on our relationship. And, in time, we got well together.She just drove through a hotel lobby. Now, that's bottoming out.” quote by George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/8c8/george-carlin-155_behinds_brenda-carlin-went-into-therapy-and-i-so_1119009.jpg)
![“My mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get a job in advertising. "You'll be one of those smart-looking fellows in their Madison Avenue suits." And I rebelled against [my mother] and her values and her plans for my future at every…” quote by George Carlin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/dda/george-carlin-155_advertising_my-mother-and-her-plans-for-my-future-sh_1170518.jpg)
