I saw a specialist who asked me 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?'. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas. — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me… — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with… — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the… — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'. — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money. — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
