People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than another American. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit? — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
There are certain people in my life who didn't care to be in my book. And so I cut them out. And… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there's nothing to miss. I… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The interesting thing about gay people is that you can't really put on a wedding without them. They're the ones who make… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six months ago and said she… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I don't write about sex because it's not really my subject. I love it when other people write about it, but it's… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Hugh returned from his trip, and days later I still sounded like a Red Chinese asking questions about the democratic hinterlands. "And… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, those who wrote bad poetry, and those who… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I spend so much time like living in the past or the future. I mean, I think most people do, really. And… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I'm completely fascinated by the health-care debate going on in the United States, especially by posters of Obama with a little mustache… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Even as a child I was fascinated by death, not in a spiritual sense, but in an aesthetic one. A hamster or… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I met a young woman the other day, and she said, what advice would you have for a writer, and I said… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
People discuss their relationships all the time, but you can't. I don't think people realize how harmful that is, how it twists… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In New York I'd go to the movies three or four times a week. Here I've upped it to six or seven,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
No one reads to hear someone complain about the weather or how poorly their children are behaving. You have to give the… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
At the morgue, people were so desensitized that they would eat lunch in the glass walled room adjacent to the autopsy room.… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The drama bug strikes hardest with Jews, homosexuals and plump women who wear their hair in bangs. These are people who, for… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I hated leaving a hole in the smoking world, and so I recruited someone to take my place. People have given me… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
It makes me wonder sometimes. Remember a couple years ago, when Mexicans went on strike? It was talked about a little bit… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
You meet people who say, "Oh, I'd like to do such-and-such, but I don't have the time." But it always seemed to… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I think it's good to have the alone time. Well, I kind of have to, because I have to be alone in… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I always say to young people, "Get the hell out of the United States." Especially if you're young, like if you're 21… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
..she took pictures of germs, viruses, and people reacting to germs and viruses. On weekends, for extra money, she photographed weddings, which… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In books and movies infidelity always looks so compelling, so right. Here are people who defy petty convention and are rewarded with… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
The good thing about England - like, if I were in France, all people would be doing is rubbing my nose in… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I would be writing and trying to write like Joan Didion. Or if I was reading Raymond Carver. You know, strong stylists.… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot to… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Whenever I write about my family, I start by getting my parent's approval. I like to think I write about them with… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
What can you say about the family who is suing the railroad after their drunk son was killed walking on the tracks?… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
His embarassment would have pleased me, but once he recovered, there would be that awkward period that sometimes culminates in a handshake.… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Besides, if I wanted to hear people speaking wall-to-wall French, all I had to do was remove my headphones and participate in… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick… — David Sedaris Copy Share
“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk… — David Sedaris Copy Share
“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a… — David Sedaris Copy Share
“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,… — David Sedaris Copy Share
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here… — David Sedaris Copy Share
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share
“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share
“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you… — David Sedaris Copy Share
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work… — David Sedaris Copy Share
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a… — David Sedaris Copy Share
I spent months searching for some secret code before I realized that common sense has nothing to do with it. Hysteria, psychosis, torture, depression:… — David Sedaris Copy Share
I hated leaving a hole in the smoking world, and so I recruited someone to take my place. People have given me a lot… — David Sedaris Copy Share
