They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There are a lot of good looking men on this planet. It seems like once a week someone will tell me, "I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Once you put bacon in a salad, it's no longer a salad. It just becomes a game of 'find the bacon in… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
The entertainment business is such a strange, crazy perception business that you're either given way too much respect, like people saying, "You… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I used to have to do readings in church, and it was terrifying. I would never have my glasses. The words are… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
A lot of people are like, "You're doing commercials?" And I honestly feel like those Sierra Mist commercials are better than a… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You didn't question - kind of like, you would go to college. You would wear a tie to work. You would, you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
As I go on in standup, I keep being described as cleaner and cleaner as I do each hour, they're like, 'It's… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love my career, but I feel like you've got to babysit a lot of aspects of things. Assuming that things will… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
