I could never make a joke about somebody unless I could say it to their face and they'd laugh. — Margaret Cho Copy Share Image
It would be really hard to get serious about anything political today unless it was a joke. — Carla Bley Copy Share Image
Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I've been banging my head against this wall for hours trying to figure out where all this blood is coming from! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
It's only happy hour if a hot girl is sharing your drinks. Otherwise it's just drowning your misery. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, Wait, you forgot the remote! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
...My point is, I went crazy. When I saw what a black, awful joke the world was. I went crazy as a… — Alan Moore Copy Share Image
Humorists are using Twitter to tell jokes in an interesting way. It doesn't have to be profound, and it doesn't have to… — James Gleick Copy Share Image
The remarkable thing about television is that it permits several million people to laugh at the same joke and still feel lonely. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“The least we each ought to do for someone who treats us like a king or a queen is to treat them… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I love my babies so much that I could kiss them all day long..as a job. I could be a professional baby… — Jessica Capshaw Copy Share Image
“End of the Summer It was end of the summer And my heart was broken but i was smiling, laughing, making jokes… — Arzum Uzun Copy Share Image
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I have an airplane hangar with 17 cars in it. That's no joke. I have a 'half pipe' in there, too -… — Paul Walker Copy Share Image
The preacher who jests and jokes with his people all week will soon find that he cannot stand in his pulpit on… — Vance Havner Copy Share Image
I've just done a movie - Albino Alligator - with Viggo Mortensen, who's an actor I idolize. He influenced me in a… — Skeet Ulrich Copy Share Image
Remember, if you do the same act for 20, 30 years it gets a little boring unless you've got something else going… — Donald O'Connor Copy Share Image
You know, I wouldn’t have done this a month ago. I wouldn’t have done it then. Then I was avoiding. Now I’m… — Martin Amis Copy Share Image
One time I picked it up and a voice goes, 'Hi, it's Sinatra. Can you play me a record?' I was like,… — Tony Blackburn Copy Share Image
“A sign read "Free drinks for billiards competitors only." Hand-lettered below read "All others will pay." It was written in blood. I… — Red Tash Copy Share Image
I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women.… — David Cross Copy Share Image
Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
