I went to see my doctor with a nasty pain in the ass. Turns out he's already met my wife. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I want to be remembered for my poop jokes. Those are the most important kind. — Eric Andre Copy Share Image
6 am: tired 9 am: tired 11 am: tired 3 pm: tired 5 pm: tired 7 pm: tired 9 pm: tired bed time: ENNNNEERRGGYY — Kevin McCarty Copy Share Image
I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense. — Alan Moore Copy Share Image
I'm the only man who has a marriage license made out To Whom It My Concern . — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Every joke is an experiment. When you sit, alone, and write a script, or just a joke, you really have no idea… — Judd Apatow Copy Share Image
'St. Elmo's Fire' is one of my favorite films. I like the storytelling of those teenage American films. You don't get that… — James McAvoy Copy Share Image
Essentially a joke is creating an idea, whether sonic or visual, whether it's something musical or a traditional joke. — Reggie Watts Copy Share Image
We have a new joke on the reservation: 'What is cultural deprivation?' Answer: 'Being an upper-middle class white kid living in a… — John Fire Lame Deer Copy Share Image
Every time I post & don't get any likes I remember what my mom used to say,i prepare this breakfast with such… — Akbar Cullen Copy Share Image
Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
You got to pay your dues to get the joke. Besides, laughter is cheap and very portable. If there's a pogrom, or… — Lenny Bruce Copy Share Image
A lot of people are actually surprised when I do open up my mouth and smile a little bit, and crack a… — Tim Kang Copy Share Image
I might appear confident and chatty, but I spend most of my time laughing at jokes I don't find funny, saying things… — Tabitha Suzuma Copy Share Image
The stage, the screen, the novel, casual conversation, the street discussion, and too often the fireside intimacies are punctuated with blasphemy, to… — Ezra Taft Benson Copy Share Image
Bob Saget was known, in the comedy clubs in those days, as extremely funny but with dark humor. It was always an… — Bob Saget Copy Share Image
This is where men, even the trustiest, fail us. Their heart is never so wholly given to any matter but that some… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Many a woman would not be in a relationship with or married to her man, if he earned half of what he… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
It's fairly obvious, since Richard Nixon, that there is no such thing as a fair deal for any voter in the United… — Frank Zappa Copy Share Image
He took a long drink, then grimaced. “I do not have a drinking problem,” he announced, his voice needlessly loud. “I have… — John Green Copy Share Image
The jokes now, it's just more stories and personal experiences. And just talking about things that really happened. It's just becoming more… — Hannibal Buress Copy Share Image
