I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Life's full of difficult choices…Call her back?...or Call of Duty?…decisions, decisions. — Arjun Loveable Copy Share Image
Yo mama is so hairy, she went to the zoo and the zookeeper said, Hey! We got a loose gorilla! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk-dancing. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Being bigheaded can be as irritating and as dangerous as being small-minded.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
My Instagram got deleted a lot of times. I used to do rough jokes and curse a lot. — Cardi B Copy Share Image
Beijing residents joke that to get a free smoke all they have to do is open their windows! — Lee Hsien Loong Copy Share Image
The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I always have my setlist planned out, but the best moments are when the energy of the crowd just gets your mind… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Humor is not funny. Humor is something else. Funny is a joke, sometimes silly. Comedy is deep and connected to tragedy; comedy… — Gerald Stern Copy Share Image
I've heard the joke a million times that "Jews in Sports" must be the thinnest book in the world. Actually, I've seen… — Dolph Schayes Copy Share Image
The funniest jokes you know aren't from comics but relatives, friends - from your life. That's the funniest stuff. — Dick Gregory Copy Share Image
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Theres no amount of money that makes you feel better when people think of you as a joke or a hack or… — Patrick Stump Copy Share Image
We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Thanksgiving Jokes Q: Who is never hungry at Thanksgiving? A: The turkey because he is always stuffed! Q: What’s the best thing… — Uncle Amon Copy Share Image
Lend's dad, two werewolves, and a vampire. It was like the setup to a bad joke or something. A doctor, two werewolves,… — Kiersten White Copy Share Image
First and foremost when you're doing comedy, you gotta be relevant and applicable to the times that you're living in. When you… — Adam McKay Copy Share Image
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks."… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
In high school, my friend and I discovered that your cable-access station had to let you do whatever you wanted - it… — Michael Schur Copy Share Image
I am very optimistic about the long run prospects for democracy in China. Chinese society is being dramatically and rapidly transformed. And… — Larry Diamond Copy Share Image
When I was very young, I didn't really write my own material. I just memorized other peoples' jokes. Established comics, like Stanley… — Kevin Nealon Copy Share Image
I like the idea of building the suspense and taking it all the way up to the very last second with the… — Corey Feldman Copy Share Image
