The roses have wilted, The violets are dead, Sugar is lumpy And so is your head. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Thou can'st not joke an enemy into a friend, but thou may'st a friend into an enemy. — Benjamin Franklin Copy Share Image
I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? 'Cause she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
A comedian is someone who tells the truth. Truth is the set of all jokes told by all comedians in the world. — Piero Scaruffi Copy Share Image
When a woman agrees to give her husband head for no reason --- there is a reason. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece: Gently aging, but still a warmand desirable place to visit. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The most important thing in comedy - apart from empathy, which I think is important even if disguised - is surprise. I… — Ricky Gervais Copy Share Image
I do a lot of public speaking and presentations and I'll always start with a self-deprecating joke to make everybody feel comfortable… — Warwick Davis Copy Share Image
Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say don't and if he touches your pussy say stop? Girl: But mom, he touched… — Unkown Copy Share Image
An old racetrack joke reminds you that your program contains all the winners' names. I stare at my typewriter keys with the… — Mignon McLaughlin Copy Share Image
You're basically on set to help the production. You're helping the actors make it make sense, or maybe you wrote something that… — Katie Dippold Copy Share Image
Is the human race a joke? Was it devised and patched together in a dull time when there was nothing important to… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Well, there are conjoined twins in real life and we can tell a story about them so long as they're not the… — Bobby Farrelly Copy Share Image
I'm very wary of doing political stuff for a lot of reasons. One of the big ones is that the shelf-life for… — Tim Heidecker Copy Share Image
Jokes are great capsules of information. I think they should never be censored. They often are offensive - and we're offended by… — Lynne Tillman Copy Share Image
The Texas Commission on Environmental Quality - what a joke. In my district, we caught them lying to us about the results… — Wendy Davis Copy Share Image
In improv, the whole thing is that it is a relationship between the two people, as a back and forth. In standup,… — John Oliver Copy Share Image
If you have the personalities down, you understand them and identify with them; you can stick them in any situation and have… — Bill Watterson Copy Share Image
The art world is the biggest joke going. It's a rest home for the overprivileged, the pretentious, and the weak. And modern… — Banksy Copy Share Image
I knew at the time my haircut was pretty damn god-awful, so I was just hoping that I wasn't one of the… — David Cook Copy Share Image
Beginning writers are often advised to 'write what you know,' and since I knew about quilters - their quirks, their inside jokes,… — Jennifer Chiaverini Copy Share Image
Now, what does a vampire do with a computer? Keep track of investments? Send e-mail to other vampires as you all plot… — Carrie Vaughn Copy Share Image
