Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt. — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call. — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death.… — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life. — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but… — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was! — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders… — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck. — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt. — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda… — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person… — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You… — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks… — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science… — Richard Jeni Copy Share Image
