If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die...where does the sacred part come in? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Children should be taught to question everything . . . everything they read and everything they hear. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away — George Carlin Copy Share Image
History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share
