If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it. — Paul Merton Copy Share Image
My favourite riposte to a heckle is to say, 'Excuse me, I'm trying to work here. How would you like it if I stood yelling down the alley while you're giving blow jobs to transsexuals?' — Paul Merton Copy Share Image
I never give anyone advice: it can backfire horribly. In the 1950s, Eric Morecambe told Ken Dodd to get his teeth fixed. But those… — Paul Merton Copy Share Image
At one point in the mid-Eighties I shared a promoter with the Smiths. One night, we were sitting backstage when Morrissey burst in, utterly… — Paul Merton Copy Share Image
In fact, I don't watch a lot of contemporary comedy for fear of being influenced by it. — Paul Merton Copy Share Image
I'll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I've never got over… — Paul Merton Copy Share Image
I read every book about Buster Keaton and Chaplin to see how they worked - it's all about dedication, tunnel vision, pursuit of perfection,… — Paul Merton Copy Share Image
In a psychiatric hospital, a lot of people believe that people on TV are talking to them directly through the screen. I'm with about… — Paul Merton Copy Share Image
When I was nine I spent a lot of my time reading books about the history of comedy, or listening to the Goons or… — Paul Merton Copy Share Image
Maybe there's a perception of me as grumpy old bugger who suffers from depression. It's a total misconception. I don't think of myself as… — Paul Merton Copy Share Image
On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't,… — Paul Merton Copy Share Image
I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn't? — Paul Merton Copy Share Image
When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don't have to go and work at the civil service, I really… — Paul Merton Copy Share Image
When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them. — Paul Merton Copy Share Image
