Humor Quotes · Page 83

“Nothing great is ever accomplished by following standards.”

— Geoffroy Birtz

“If everyone wants to be somebody, I want to be somebody else”

— Benny Bellamacina

“Brilliant? Ha! Your about as bright as a black hole!' Ellen resorted.”

— Charles Ogden

“Why put off until tomorrow, what you can eat today.”

— Garfield the cat

Humor and seriousness are not in opposition to each other.

— Al Franken

“I gotta go. The gingerbread men are on fire.”

— David Levithan

If your dreams are not entirely sweet dreams, are they Swedish?

— Mishan Amithab Kasiparsad

“The sun will always rise, but we may never know”

— Aprl Ray

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

— Mitch Hedberg

“If wishes were horses, paupers would ride. If the queen had balls, she'd be king. If I didn't have to WORK, I'd…

— Suki Michelle

Masturbating is a form of stress relief...so go fuck yourself and calm down..

— Anonymous

Much of the best humor is found in the frequently tragic reality of human experience.

— Steve Allen

“There were so many viciously sarcastic ways to respond, Jaden’s brain was temporarily paralyzed due to witty comeback overload.”

— Courtney Kirchoff

“I should think a dead language would be rather boring, socially speaking.”

— Sol Luckman

“The whiter the bread, the quicker you're dead. Stick with barley and spelt.”

— Ken O'Neill

It's a cold night out tonight. The Padres better warm up real good because it's stiff out there.

— Jerry Coleman

“They got a manure machine in there,” Keller said. He went up to the barn and peeked through a hole between tow…

— Sandra Neil Wallace

“We are rats We're quicker than cats And we're twice as clever Don't need shoes Don't need socks Don't need soap Don't…

— James Francis Wilkins

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put…

— Chelsea Handler

“New York endures despite its complexity because of its people. New York endures because New Yorkers have always been people who met…

— Historica Press

The way that I live is in between the dual experiences of the tragedy mask and the comedy mask. I feel that…

— Mike O'Malley

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop…

— Phyllis Diller

Almost every comedy you see is about people making all wrong choices and making all the errors of judgement possible. Good comedy…

— Colin Firth

“Cats were often familiars to workers of magic because to anyone used to wrestling with self-willed, wayward, devious magic—which was what all…

— Robin McKinley

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

— Mitch Hedberg

Roy Hibbert thinks it's funny to mess with me.

— Larry Nance, Jr

Every time I make a plan, God laughs at me.

— Jason Isaacs

Let there be more joy and laughter in your living.

— Eileen Caddy

Flying is learning to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

— Douglas Adams

“I'm not bitter, just not stirred well!”

— Vaibhav Wadhwa

We interrupt this relationship to bring you football season.

— Anonymous

A slut is like an elevator; a lot of people go in

— Amit Verma

“Rules are set, mostly does not change.”

— Dr. Poison King

The church is a gift from God, some assembly is required.

— Anonymous

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

— Rodney Dangerfield

You might be a idiot, but your mine idiot.

— Michael Country

I guess sometimes God just needs to laugh

— Zach Braff

“Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.”

— Eugene Mirman

The things that matter most are not things.

— Art Buchwald

I don't hold any candle for drama versus comedy.

— Jo Brand