“I still remember the day I got my first calculator Teacher: All right, children, welcome to fourth grade math. Everyone take a… — Simon Rich Copy Share Image
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“Children," Johanna drawled out. "They're such a joy. When you get married and have a family of your own, you'll understand what… — Julie Garwood Copy Share Image
“At Camp Don Bosco, there were Bibles all over the place, mostly 1970s hippie versions like Good News for Modern Man. They… — Rob Sheffield Copy Share Image
Humor does depend on surprise, and the things that people remember as the funniest things in the world, you look at later… — Matt Groening Copy Share Image
I have a tendency toward the pleasures of the flesh. It's a battle for me, as far as weight and things like… — Chris Farley Copy Share Image
“It was terrible music to dance to; all you could really do was nod and hunch to the music. The girls all… — Rainbow Rowell Copy Share Image
“After using a paint chart from a local DIY superstore to identify the skin tone of his penis as midnight chocolate, Miriam… — David F. Porteous Copy Share Image
“At least I'm not a font nerd." "A what?" Matt smiled. "You know. People who love fonts. There are people who go… — Jessica Park Copy Share Image
“Our children were allowed to help when they were little, urged to help when they grew a little older, and sometimes ordered… — Boyd K. Packer Copy Share Image
“Rhiannon's Law #22. You can't lie to yourself, so don't bother trying. Doing so only multiplies your douchebag level to the umpteenth… — J.A. Saare Copy Share Image
“Alasdair yanked a pillow, shoving it under his arse. "I think you'll find I'm a heavy but remarkably fit and supple git,… — josephine myles Copy Share Image
You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“What you experience is your reality, for the time being anyway. It's a mind-blower because, at a certain level of awareness, that's… — Art Hochberg Copy Share Image
Comedy chose me. I always had this urge to be silly that I couldn't control. I remember my father having me read… — Craig Robinson Copy Share Image
“It was his wife we objected to. Her name was Leda, but he called her Tip. She was very small and her… — Dashiell Hammett Copy Share Image
“You want me to go back into that house protected by a magic sticky note?” “Don’t even start,” I told him. “It’s… — Ilona Andrews Copy Share Image
“I know why you picked that movie,' he told her. Annie smiled and said, 'It fits our life in a few ways,… — Kevin Wilson Copy Share Image
“Eat slowly," the blueblood said. "Don't cut your food with the fork. Cut it with the knife, and make the pieces small… — Ilona Andrews Copy Share Image
“Old ladies standing in halls, up and down the streets, asking the same question as if they were one person with one… — Charles Bukowski Copy Share Image
“The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We… — James D. Nicoll Copy Share Image
“Give me an adventure." In the moment that followed, Cord realized that this sounded weird, and lost her nerve. She held up… — Neal Stephenson Copy Share Image
FSM knows I've poked enough bears with sticks and it seems the older I get, the shorter my stick and the quicker… — Rock Cowles Copy Share Image
“That said, a fireball like the one hurtling towards us was worthy of the utmost respect. To adopt the jargon of commercial… — Sergei Lukyanenko Copy Share Image
“On Christmas morning, Rebecca lost her moral virginity, her sense of humor - and her two best friends. But, other than that,… — Ellen Emerson White Copy Share Image
You find out in life that people really like you funny. So what do you give 'em? Humor. And then if you… — Terry Bradshaw Copy Share Image
I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the… — Adam Ferrara Copy Share Image
We've always been interested in the commentary on politics and society and how comedy always sort of cuts that with a nice… — Sean Hayes Copy Share Image
“Temporary Insanity had come a-knocking and I had shouted "Come on in the door is open." Luckily, Reality had come unexpectedly and… — Marian Keyes Copy Share Image
“Because this story is the road to the Pulitzer, something you covet very badly. I'm willing to bet that just the idea… — M.K. Schiller Copy Share Image
“In the harsh veracity of the real world, he was rich, successful, and one of the most desired bachelors in New York—and… — J.C. Reed Copy Share Image
“Her partner now drew near, and said, "That gentleman would have put me out of patience, had he stayed with you half… — Jane Austen Copy Share Image
“con-tu-ber-nal(noun). One who occupies the same tent; a tent-fellow, comrade. The thought of Percy Prewitt as my contubernal causes me to break… — Julia Quinn Copy Share Image
“Don't look at his groin. Don't look at his groin. Don't mention that he doesn't have a vagina, so 'we' is bullshit.… — MaryJanice Davidson Copy Share Image
“A couple of years ago my sister Judy and I were each given a box of truffles. The tiny print said two… — Abigail Thomas Copy Share Image
“Penn is the brains behind this event. On behalf of my brothers, and all of the kids in the program, I’d like… — Gina Gordon Copy Share Image
Laughter lifts us over high ridges and lights up dark valleys in a way that makes life so much easier. It is… — Alan Cohen Copy Share Image
“Don't miss work and never be late. Your boss will appreciate it, and he will reward you by shaking your hand in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It is of course perfectly natural to assume that everyone else is having a far more exciting time than you. Human beings,… — Douglas Adams Copy Share Image
“There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers… — Joseph Heller Copy Share Image
