If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Blankets are good to carry around if you want to be able to quickly black bag someone.” — Nicole McKay Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you last night.. You kept screaming at Ted Danson to pour you a drink.” — Amy Summers Copy Share Image
“If life were a sea adventure, I knew: I wouldn't be sailor, pirate, or cabin boy but more likely a barnacle clinging… — Sara Levine Copy Share Image
“The ability for anyone in our generation to self-amuse has sadly been bred out of our species.” — Kim Askew Copy Share Image
That is what I got into comedy for, to be able to challenge myself and just grow as a comedian and find… — Jaboukie Young-White Copy Share Image
“...this sort of feels like green." "This is me being blue. Don't worry - you're still yellow” — Katie McGarry Copy Share Image
“Bananas?" He nodded with a small grin. "I discovered about those years ago that I absolutely hate those damn things." "But they're… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
Human life is basically a comedy. Even its tragedies often seem comic to the spectator, and not infrequently they actually seem to… — Henry Louis Mencken Copy Share Image
“So that’s when the witch somehow pulled off her own restraint and flung herself at me like a beautiful and deadly panther.… — Cassandra Gannon Copy Share Image
One way of watering down the effects of violence is to approach it in a more lighthearted way. I don't mean to… — Colin Baker Copy Share Image
I have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never be satisfied with… — Abraham Lincoln Copy Share Image
“Thrazo didn’t understand, so he rolled the tea over his tongue, grimaced. “That tasted like boiled regret.” “It’s willowbark.” “Ah. Boiled regret… — J.L. Coulbeck Copy Share Image
I'm a huge romantic comedy fan and have been in this business for 17 years and I think for all 17 I'd… — Katherine Heigl Copy Share Image
“Gert: What... what just happened? Chase: I don't know, but guess who totally stole Cookie Monster's glasses! Gert: Whew, for a second… — Brian K. Vaughan Copy Share Image
I don't ever want to police people's laughter. People laugh for all different kinds of reasons. — Cord Jefferson Copy Share Image
“I have nightmares about hell, where all I do is add up numbers and try to have conversations with people like you.” — Jim Butcher Copy Share Image
The Jews are returning to their land of unbelief. They are spiritually blind and desperately in need of their Messiah and Savior. — Jerry Falwell Copy Share Image
“Did you know that ninety-eight percent of statistics are made up on the spot?” — Kim Harrington Copy Share Image
So much of male heterosexual comedy can be steeped in a gay panic. A lot of juvenile comedy is predicated on that. — John Benjamin Hickey Copy Share Image
“Earth is sad, Moon is shy, Sun is happy but wait a moment, I just forgot to tell you that I am… — Santosh Kalwar Copy Share Image
“His laugh and his voice were both pleasant. He talked the way New Yorkers used to talk before they learned to talk… — Raymond Chandler Copy Share Image
Good humor isn't a trait of character, it is an art which requires practice. — David Seabury Copy Share Image
I've always been a fun-loving guy, and my films will always have some humour. — Karthi Copy Share Image
“I mean emotionally, women are like Bruce Lee and we’re like Donald Duck. An’ I think a lotta guys are afraid of… — Jonathan Ashworth Copy Share Image
For years, humorous characters in cartoons have been almost exclusively male. — Paul Dini Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you last night... You tried to propose with a digital ceramic heater.” — Amy Summers Copy Share Image
Dan Aykroyd is a comedy icon and one of my idols of all time, but I also know that he's an incredibly… — Ben Falcone Copy Share Image
I just think I was lucky enough to figure out early on that I wanted to do comedy, so that's what I… — Donald Glover Copy Share Image
I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it. — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
There was cake in the fridge and a note saying do not eat me! I ate the cake and left a new… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When I say I miss school, I mean my friends and the fun. Not the studying part. — Asheya Copy Share Image
“But then, even with cuts, bruises and blood all over him, he looked like his jackass self again." - Alex Gold” — R.J. Morse Copy Share Image
“And we're not lost." We are so fucking lost. Literally adrift in the nothing space between universes.” — Blake Crouch Copy Share Image
You can't say happiness without saying Ha, penis. I JUST DIED! Why do I find stupid things like this so funny??Oh Tumblr.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I'm thinking skywriting. 'Sorry I was an asshat. Please forgive my stupid butt.” — Erin Watt Copy Share Image
“The soy is seeping through the material like a BP oil slick in a Louisiana swamp.” — Poppet Copy Share Image
“I tell you, troubles are poor things to hug. They've got to many pickers.” — Eleanor H. Porter Copy Share Image
When I die, will someone please go to my funeral dressed like the Grim Reaper? You don't say anything, just stand there... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
