Humor Quotes · Page 231

I know you can be funny without being filthy.

— Jonathan Winters

First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.

— Chelsea Handler

“Maximum return was the maxim to which we returned.”

— Mohsin Hamid

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

— Henny Youngman

“If you try to quit I will eat you!”

— Anne Bishop

Bad humor is an evasion of reality; good humor is an acceptance of it.

— Malcolm Muggeridge

“census: (n.) being counted so we can be discounted.”

— Sol Luckman

“James Carstairs! Jem! Where are you, you disloyal bastard?”

— Cassandra Clare

Githa Hariharan's fiction is wonderful-full of subtleties and humor and tenderness.

— Michael Ondaatje

I was the kid who liked making other people laugh, so maybe the comedy came before the acting.

— Sharon Horgan

“You might be on the right track but if you don't move on, you'll get hit by a train.”

— Will Rodgers

“The pen is mightier than the sword unless it's a real sword in which case the guy with the pen should run…

— Roger Eschbacher

“On behalf of all that is good and melodic, Ludwig van Beethoven, I apologize.”

— Sarah Strohmeyer

I think comedy I've learned is really just about relaxing and trusting yourself and allowing yourself to fail.

— Jamie-Lynn Sigler

“When you say nasty things about people, you should never say the true ones, because you can't really trully and honestly take…

— john green

I don't really know how music and comedy are similar. I try never to dissect it theoretically or academically.

— Eric Andre

“Are there not times, Ridley, when you yourself wish only to hear the best in people – and not to be dragged…

— Carla H Krueger

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following…

— Frank Carson

“I'm not sure if I'm ready to have children. I asked a friend of mine who has children, "Suppose I do have…

— Ted Chiang

“Are you going to kick somebody’s ass? I don’t know. Maybe. Well, I’m not going to worry. I’ve watched you spar with…

— Kevin Hearne

“Things got said, the kinds of embarrassing things that don't go away. Tempers ran high. My paternal grandfather's teak desk required a…

— Nancy Kress

“Suddenly I began to wonder how to please so many people. do I take the magnesium citrate? What about the coffee enema?…

— Gilda Radner

“Goodreads sports some of the social awkwardness of middle school. If you are looking for a friend, I promise no matter your…

— Red Phoenix

“It was like skydiving but way more intense. Like if you took two Ambien and then went skydiving and forced yourself to…

— Babe Walker

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

— Rodney Dangerfield

The hardest part of a business, is minding your own.

— Anonymous

Ain't it funny what people say? Ain't it funny what people write?

— Rich Mullins

The ideal women does exist, but she is always married to another man.

— Anonymous

“In life things are only free after you've paid for them.”

— T.A. Uner

Me: I'm finally happy. Life: Lol, wait a sec.

— Anonymous

“I am really into the type of girl you can impress with a prototype.”

— Robin Sloan

I always seem to get really cocky when I am naked.

— Prince Shawn

I'm single by choice. Not my choice.

— Orny Adams

“I have a keen sense of the oblivious”

— Josh Stern

And still, laughter is akin to weeping.

— Johann Kaspar Lavater

Sometimes I wonder how I got into comedy at all

— Don Adams

“Your brain is doing some great work when it's laughing.”

— Jon Scieszka

Oh no. Don't smile. You'll kill me. I stop breathing when you smile.

— Tessa Dare

I didn't get into comedy to be loved by everybody.

— Ralphie May

Like a lipstick you put that red mark on me.

— Joanne Lobedica