“My family has a Christmas tradition: Every year, they kill my mom.” — James Aquilone Copy Share Image
Comedy is very hard, but you have to learn the art and science of it. — Marlon Wayans Copy Share Image
“Democracy is like a tamborine - not everyone can be trusted with it.” — John Oliver Copy Share Image
“The hips were the leaders of this conspiracy. So I rang my boss and held the phone to my hips so he… — Cecelia Ahern Copy Share Image
“You're Professor Mills? The new one who teaches history?" As opposed to the old Professor Mills who preached overthrow of the government?” — Josh Lanyon Copy Share Image
I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
“Jason straightened his shirt. “What’s ‘chauvinistic’ mean?” “It’s in the dictionary next to a picture of your father,” muttered Kyle.” — Kathleen Peacock Copy Share Image
Proof computers are female: Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Millennial humor is everything that is wrong with our civilization,” I whispered back. “Human existence reduced to a meme.” Stacy” — Sadia Ash Copy Share Image
As an audience member, I like watching Rupert as an actor when he's most playful, ... I think Rupert is really adept… — Benjamin Bratt Copy Share Image
“Most people new to a city on the ocean would probably go to the beach during the day when there are people… — Kathy Griffin Copy Share Image
“Listen closely...this is the most important thing you need to know while you're here. Do not eat the haddock. They've been overcooking… — Veronica Rossi Copy Share Image
When people say, 'How did you start in comedy,' I say my family was kidnapped by ninjas when I was very young,… — Hannibal Buress Copy Share Image
“I turned up the inane sound effects and let them fill the room, setting up an atmosphere of mind-body pollution while Miss… — Alice Yi-Li Yeh Copy Share Image
“There was an old Taoist who lived in a village in ancient China, named Master Hu. Hu loved God and God loved… — David James Duncan Copy Share Image
My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been… — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
“When the Italian poet Dante described the center of hell in his poem The Divine Comedy, he got it wrong. The epicenter… — Steve Dublanica Copy Share Image
People of humor are always in some degree people of genius. — Samuel Taylor Coleridge Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer. — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
