Kids? It's like living with homeless people. They're cute but they just chase you around all day long going, 'Can I have a dollar? I'm missing a shoe! I need a ride! — Kathleen Madigan Copy Share Image
I always give homeless people money, and my friends yell at me, 'He's only going to buy more alcohol and cigarettes.' And I'm thinking, 'Oh, like I wasn't?' — Kathleen Madigan Copy Share Image
The bus scares me. Way too many gross people on the bus. Sixty-five people on the bus and I was the last one on.… — Kathleen Madigan Copy Share Image
I never have goals or dreams. My sister says it's pathetic and lazy, but I had a goal, to tell jokes to pay bills… — Kathleen Madigan Copy Share Image
I would like to be an FBI profiler. I'm fascinated with psychology, but I wouldn't want to deal with people and their problems in… — Kathleen Madigan Copy Share Image
Some people are mean, and when you look at their page, they only write mean things, but I have a great time with a… — Kathleen Madigan Copy Share Image
Kids? It's like living with homeless people. They're cute but they just chase you around all day long going, 'Can I have a dollar?… — Kathleen Madigan Copy Share Image
I always give homeless people money, and my friends yell at me, 'He's only going to buy more alcohol and cigarettes.' And I'm thinking,… — Kathleen Madigan Copy Share Image
I don't have a computer. I'm going to wait until that whole fad is over. I was suckered in on the Pet Rock. Not… — Kathleen Madigan Copy Share Image
I don't really write jokes. I wait for stuff to happen in life, and then I tell it on stage. — Kathleen Madigan Copy Share Image
I bowled for two years in college, because I was drunk and needed shoes. — Kathleen Madigan Copy Share Image
