You know how I know I'm white? I can cry myself out of a parking ticket. — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
Taking a night off from comedy to go on a date with someone I'm probably not going to like anyway sounds like the worst… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
Honestly, I never really thought I'd be a comedian. But I did take an aptitude test in seventh grade - and this is 100… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
I would love to be a dad. There are plenty of comedians who have kids. But they're dads. Being a dad is so different… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
Watching Rachel Maddow is like going to Target. You went in for milk, but you left with shampoo, candles, and the entire history of… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
I did so many open mics. I would write jokes on Twitter constantly, and then slowly, over time, open mics turned into shows. If… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
It's one thing to be funny in a tweet. It is another to be funny for an hour. — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles. — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
I got a third-degree ankle sprain practicing long jump. I never fully recovered. That was my first heartbreak. I thought track was going to… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
That's why we should respect people: not for how pretty they are, for how useful they are. What would you rather have, a pretty… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
The thing that's frustrating about improv is that even if you have the best show in the world, it's over when it's over. You… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
When I'm on the road, I eat like I'm on the third day of a hiking trip all the time. I'm eating beef jerky… — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
If you are willing to say something about someone, you should be willing to say it on Twitter, to their face, whatever. — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
You don't get to choose your voice! I was never like, 'Oh, I'll take the voice that causes dogs to gather outside.' — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
