“Maybe in life you get all kinds of soulmates. Multiple people who vibrate at the same level you do. I think that's what Fred is for me. I just don't get to see his penis anymore. So, no, I don't… — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“but there I was, trying to fit the ocean into a plastic cup as it tossed and turned me in its waves.” — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“A lot of us are living like this, right? Taking cabs and ordering takeout Thai on payday, then walking the three blocks to work… — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“48. Try to think positively. Can’t. Everything is garbage. 49. Stop talking (so much) shit. See above.” — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“Real love feels less like a throbbing, pulsing animal begging for its freedom and beating against the inside of my chest and more like,… — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“You know, what I really need is someone who remembers to rotate this meaty pre-corpse toward the sun every couple of days and tries… — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“have never—and I mean ever—had a real desire to let otherwise-unaccounted-for money just chill in my bank account unmolested for more than maybe a week and a half. I barely have the willpower to leave other people’s money alone for the short time it’s in my custody. Money that isn’t earmarked for some pressing (transportation/pharmaceutical/credit card balance) need?! Why, yes,… — Samantha Irby Copy Share
“It's so weird that adults in committed relationships have a problem with something so innocuous as flirting. I would never expect you to walk around with a paper bag over your head to avoid catching the eye of a stranger, nor would I discourage you making friendly conversation with whomever you might encounter during the day. And if you needed… — Samantha Irby Copy Share
“I am a negative person by nature, and I typically shy away from anything that requires me to be having visible fun.” — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“do so much shit I don’t want anyone else to see, or know about, that I never want to have to explain to another… — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“The Bachelorette proves that men are as petty and vapid and ridiculous as women are made to seem. They’re just better at hiding it,… — Samantha Irby Copy Share Image
“Fuck a budget. I grew up poor and now I have money, so I’m going to spend it on Chanel nail polishes. I don’t know how you can possibly have joy in your life when you do shit like “balance your checkbook” or “pay your minimum balance on time,” and if doing those awful-sounding things means I can’t see four… — Samantha Irby Copy Share
