Funny Quotes · Page 458

We crave and fear becoming truly ourselves

— Abraham Maslow

Every moment is precious. And precarious.

— Edward Abbey

We're in a psuedoscientific technobabble.

— Jasper Fforde

I won't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day…

— Linda Evangelista

If this is a Great Society, I'd hate to see a bad one.

— Fannie Lou Hamer

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies

— Anonymous

Loneliness is a required course for leadership.

— Elisabeth Elliot

“census: (n.) being counted so we can be discounted.”

— Sol Luckman

Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.

— Mitch Hedberg

“You know, sex at seventy-six is getting very dangerous for my health ... since I live at seventy-nine!”

— Kensington Gore

Im a nawtyculturist by nature .. and my motto is I SIMPLY DONT GIVE A FUCK

— Joey Bones

Interrupt my sleep and I'll interrupt your breathing. as simple as that xP

— Ritu Ghatourey

There is a moral, of course, and like all morals it is better not pursued.

— Sylvia Townsend Warner

I might be odd amongst them like a gold tooth,but like a gold tooth, I shine most.

— Isaac Buabeng

Americans are like a rich father who wishes he knew how to give his son the hardships that made him rich.

— Robert Frost

Donald Trump's words are are not funny, his words are poisonous.

— Tulip Siddiq

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me,…

— Mitch Hedberg

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

— Anonymous

And if I have kids one day, I can tell them that I was famous on Instagram, which is really funny, and…

— Jessica Barden

I like comedy but I guess I don't think [my art] is that funny, either. It's too dark and a bit weird…

— David Shrigley

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st…

— Frank Carson

One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they…

— William Feather

Gertrude's Secret' is highly entertaining. Some of the monologues are very funny, some very surprising and some painful.

— Prunella Scales

Judge me and ill prove you wrong, tell me what to do and ill tell you off, say I'm not worth it…

— Ana

As women, we cannot afford to neglect ourselves.

— Michelle Obama

Love all creatures! Love everything that has life!

— Osamu Tezuka

The older I get, the faster I was.

— Charles Barkley

Money doesn't change men, it merely unmasks them.

— Henry Ford

I never read, I just look at pictures,

— Andy Warhol

Im not 50 Im 49.95 plus tax.

— Anonymous

Gratitude is one of those things that cannot be bought.

— E. F. L. Wood, 1st Earl of Halifax

I know you can be funny without being filthy.

— Jonathan Winters

How can you argue with a woman who won't?

— Robert A. Heinlein

Nuclear war would really set back cable.

— Ted Turner

A woman is the only hunter who uses herself for bait.

— Nikhil Saluja

The best thing at the tournament were the cheerleaders.

— Ivan Slavkov

First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.

— Chelsea Handler

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

— Henny Youngman

What you look at hard seems to look at you.

— Gerard Manley Hopkins

Doubt indulged soon becomes doubt realized.

— Frances Ridley Havergal