Funny Quotes · Page 367

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

— W. C. Fields

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— Marcel Marceau

Open to others as you would like them to open to you.

— Gary Zukav

I just want to be funny. That ought to be enough.

— Nate Bargatze

One must work with time and not against it.

— Ursula K. Le Guin

This is unparalyzed in the state's history.

— Gib Lewis

Things not worth doing are not worth doing well.

— Ken Blanchard

the courage to receive time 's mightiest dream

— e. e. cummings

Change your words into truths and then change that truth into LOVE...

— Stevie Wonder

I decided to workout today, so I put the DVD on and watched it until I got tired

— Sherrice Hodge

That one person who you know you can't trust, but keep telling them everything, anyway.

— Green Monk

Freedom of speech is lost when you get into a relationship and she is beautiful

— Anonymous

“When he smoked marijuana he tended to masterbate a great deal.”

— David Foster Wallace

BRB Have to run to the toilet, but I'll be back in two shakes of a man's penis.

— Nikhil Saluja

If someone ever tells you,Expect the unexpected, slap them in the face and say,Were you expecting that?

— Anonymous

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.

— Groucho Marx

People who are pro smacking children say, 'It's the only language they understand.' You could apply that to tourists.

— Jack Dee

It's funny because when you're a Welshman living in England, you always get the mickey taken out of you for being Welsh,…

— Gwilym Lee

I walked into the local library and asked the librarian do you've any books on the meaning of life? And she said…

— Jeremy Limn

I'm not a racist. It's really case by case; it's not ethnicity specific. It's just the way I react to things that…

— Marc Maron

The mathematician who after seeing Phedre asked: 'Qu'est que ca prouve?' was not such a fool as he has been generally made…

— W. Somerset Maugham

A lot of movies that come from Israel are about war, but there is such good, funny, rounded writing that comes from…

— Odeya Rush

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

— Billy Connolly

“Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. Then . . . he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking to…

— Tara Gilesbie

Tears: The hydrolic force that women use to defeat men.

— Nikhil Saluja

Natural gas is colorless, tasteless, and odorless.

— Ritu Ghatourey

Every time I see open space I see a mat on the floor

— Renzo Gracie

But if you move fast, you can have your freedom.

— Chris Pavone

Everything has the energy of its making inside it.

— Andy Goldsworthy

Went to church and fasted all day.

— George Washington

I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke.

— Charlie Sheen

Kindness comes with no price.

— Laurence Yep

Love who and what you are and what you do.

— Louise Hay

God…is the center of all selves.

— Valentin Tomberg

Love can not be expressed with words, but with money .

— TheTowraMowra

What would the Living One have me do?

— George MacDonald

I'm going now. My time has come.

— Daniel Boone

“Funny is always a good way to start when in doubt”

— Ocean R Stark

No one every suddenly became depraved.

— Juvenal

Everyone's connected but no one is connecting.

— Armin van Buuren