I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I have one of those open and shut marriages. My pants are always open and my wife's are always shut. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment. Dude, he told a friend, I've tried everything and those damn… — Celeste Hartman Copy Share Image
When you mess up a guy's hairs, he thinks its cute. But, when you mess up a girl's hair... MAY YOUR SOUL… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“Funny though… and many of you know this… given a bit of slack, I’ll wander all over the place when telling a… — Bob Hocking Copy Share Image
If you see a man in glasses only walking back into your apartment building from day to day, its probably superman. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
IF the ocean was made of vodka and I were a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up.… — Shubham Joshi Copy Share Image
U buy ur girlfriend a 4ne, Another guy buys her Airtym, Thats division of labor. U buy her Nika another guy removes… — Mars Mavis Paul John Copy Share Image
“Who decides which defects are funny and which ones are tragic? Nobody laughs at blind people or makes iron lung jokes.” — David Mitchell Copy Share Image
I've noticed, as a comedy fan, that I really like Paul Thomas Anderson or Quentin Tarantino because when they're funny, they're actually… — Paul Rust Copy Share Image
