After cooking dinner tonight, I realized there is no straight way to wash a carrot. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Happiness Is Like Penis. It Always Looks Small But When You Learn To Share It, You Realize How Big It Can Be. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Knowledge is potential power. It transforms itself into actual power the moment you decisively act on it. — Robin Sharma Copy Share Image
There is nothing I congratulate myself on more heartily than on never having joined a sect. — Desiderius Erasmus Copy Share Image
Better than the one who knows what is right is the one who loves what is right. — Confucius Copy Share Image
It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it - The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his… — Steve Martin Copy Share Image
Of course mama has taught us all to use our manners. Though there are times that are appropriate for you to be… — Epifania Savea Copy Share Image
I've always been funny. I look back in the day, when I would take the mic from my dad in church and… — Brandon T. Jackson Copy Share Image
If I was at school and one of my friends said something funny, I'd write it down in a notebook and take… — Daniel Kaluuya Copy Share Image
I am as vulnerable and fragile as it is possible to be. I am shredded to the core. I am at the… — Rachel Hunter Copy Share Image
I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny. — Paula Deen Copy Share Image
“She’s so elderly that I’m sure she was alive before sex was invented. She conceived Mick’s Dad by shaking hands with a… — Charlotte Stein Copy Share Image
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
