Funny Quotes by Molly Harper

“This is not how people behave in a Cracker Barrel!”

— Molly Harper

“Misery, thy name is Mudslide”

— Molly Harper

“Well, that cinched it. He was an asshole. I was definitely going to end up sleeping with him.”

— Molly Harper

“Some vampires wouldn't react if you shoved a rosary down their pants, though I wouldn't recommend testing the theory.”

— Molly Harper

“Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You're a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil.”

— Molly Harper

“Did I just get psychically pimp-slapped by a little old lady?”

— Molly Harper

“Leaving knots untied and scattering seeds to distract them will only work on vampires with OCD.”

— Molly Harper

“Besides, my drinking blood's not nearly as weird as that time I caught you shaving your legs." "I was curious!”

— Molly Harper

“Get the point?" I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile. Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast. "What? Sarcastic postkill…

— Molly Harper

“You are the night." "I am the night," I repeated. "You are the night." I cocked my head, sending him a questioning…

— Molly Harper

“What was that?" Rich combined the pain of a crooked arm with the indignity of a flicked ear. I could only hope…

— Molly Harper

“My grandma Ruthie, Jettie's sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at…

— Molly Harper

“Dick called, but he just left dirty voice-mail messages. Let's just say if I'm ever in the market for a massage involving…

— Molly Harper

“Does Hallmark make a “Sorry I tried to drink your blood and touched you in a vaguely inappropriate manner” card? I settled…

— Molly Harper

“Are you going to answer my questions, or do I have to whack you with a stick until delicious candy surprises fall…

— Molly Harper

“She's your mother. I asked, Plus, you do look a bit like her. When you're angry, you both get these tense lines…

— Molly Harper

“I would have taken Zeb, purely for entertainment value, but he had an actual date, with a real girl. That hadn't happened…

— Molly Harper

“If looks could kill...well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing. "See Dick," Dick said, pointing…

— Molly Harper

“You want to stab me again, don't you?" He didn't look at all ashamed. "Think of it as testing the limits of…

— Molly Harper

“I was just turned last week. I'm a librarian." He stilled, as if I'd just told him I was the inventor of…

— Molly Harper

“And soon we were just rolling around on the ground, cursing and screeching and ripping out handfuls of hair. Without super hearing,…

— Molly Harper

“We finally settled on Francis Ford Coppola's version of Dracula, which, unfortunately, Gabriel seemed to think was a comedy. I think it…

— Molly Harper

“I fixed your car," he said, tossing the keys from a jade dish on the little maple end table. I palmed them…

— Molly Harper

“Why not? If you're not going to let me see you naked, we might as well be girlfriends." "You're a twisted little…

— Molly Harper

“Would you kick her ass already?" Dick said, shoving me back toward Missy. "Come on, Stretch, man up. You do better than…

— Molly Harper

“Not one word about proposals, no matter how much she pushes,” I told my friends. “No matter what she says or how…

— Molly Harper

“She had a knack for relieving the tension in a room by pretending my rudeness away with cooking. Many, many chickens had…

— Molly Harper

“Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet...Ew, did you...?" "Yes, I met…

— Molly Harper

“Jane Jameson." He grinned. "Like the porn star." I gaped at him. "What? No, Jane Jameson." "Oh, not as fun," he said,…

— Molly Harper

“Zeb was kindergarten teacher--a good one. I always thought it was because he was the same emotional age as his students.”

— Molly Harper

“Don't worry about being nervous. A lot of vampires have trouble with this from time to time. It happens to everyone." "If…

— Molly Harper

“I always hoped for this spark of chemistry and compatibility, a flash of clarity to let me know that this was the…

— Molly Harper

“I grabbed my purse, which was conveniently place by the front door. Gabriel was such a considerate abductor/host. He even left the…

— Molly Harper

“I’m not one to say I told you so.” Jane sighed. “But I’ll sing it. I toooooold you soooooo!” She finished on…

— Molly Harper

“Idiot," I said, before grinning broadly and crushing his mouth to mine. "We need to pick new pet names for each other,"…

— Molly Harper

“Mama operated under the assumption that I was eight years old and incapable of feeding myself. It was physically impossible for her…

— Molly Harper

“I offered you a choice, and you took it." I shot him what I hoped was a truly scathing glare. "Some choice.…

— Molly Harper

“Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That's how you can tell I'm…

— Molly Harper

“Well, pardon me for not knowing about the thermal-only panty rule,” I said, smirking as he dipped his head to nuzzle one…

— Molly Harper

“I wanted to call you, but I find myself feeling...awkward when it comes to you." "'Awkward' is the word du jour," I…

— Molly Harper