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Funny Quotes by Chris Rock

47 Funny quotes by Chris Rock

All Funny quotes Chris Rock’s page

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies, observes Chris Rock. He jokes about club safety, metal detectors, and the absurdity of waiting outside for guns while feeling safe inside. He also mocks how the government treats rap and the strange logic of entertainment.

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I don't need a president with a bucket list!

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There's bad and then there's EDDY CURRY BAD.

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There's math, and everything else is debatable!

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You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.

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Hollywood's just not funny.

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If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!

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There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

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Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.

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Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"

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Everything's funny - in the right context and done by the right person.

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If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

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You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.

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Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

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Jude Law is in so many movies, that I went to one, and when I walked out they were showing another on…

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Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional…

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Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR…

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Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the…

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Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like…

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The thing I try to get across to the writers - and I do a lot of writing, too - is that…

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Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing…

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I ain't shootin' nobody. So call me a faggot! When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you!

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Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the…

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All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it.…

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Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The…

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Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit…

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The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the…

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See Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both…

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I just thought everybody lived around abandoned buildings and crack-heads, ... I lived in the ghetto until I was like 19. I…

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Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or…

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Farrakhan got everybody together for the Million Man March and everything. But Farrakhan don't like the Jews. Which is bugged. I get…

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White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing.

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I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'

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It's hard for a man to turn down sex... if they chase us, we can't run that fast.

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Gas is getting so expensive I'm gonna ride a mexican to work.

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I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!

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Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

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Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!

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They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie…

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You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun…

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And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out,…

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More by Chris Rock

Ja Rule is not Tupac

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

If you live with a single parent, you don't see compromise. You witness a grown person living in a world where they do what…

Nobody ever says, 'Hey daddy, thanks for knockin' out this rent.' 'Hey daddy, I sure love this hot water.' 'Hey daddy, it's easy to…

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best…

You can't think the thoughts you want to think if you think you're being watched.

There's not one reference in that thing that doesn't play. People deal with emotions in music all the time, but comedians are always talking…

My mother got sick when I was rich. And my mother, you know … I don’t really want to get into it, but my…

I think anybody in front of a crowd is a comedian.

I see as white people finding loopholes in the slavery laws.

Here's the thing. When we talk about race relations in America or racial progress, it's all nonsense. There are no race relations. White people…

I was raised to believe that you had to do things better than white people in order to succeed. The old black shows were…

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies... a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I was at Kenny house!" A woman…

You can't fake comedy - it's not like a movie, where a director can just cast a pretty face.

All people naturally hate. My kid bites people now. I didn't teach my kid to bite anybody. Kids say mean stuff. Only through love…

Chris Rock Quotes About:

People Quotes 74
Comedy Quotes 58
Humor Quotes 57
Ifs Quotes 46
Black Quotes 40
Men Quotes 38
Knows Quotes 37
Want Quotes 36
White Quotes 31
Guy Quotes 26