I always seem to be chosen to do very flattering things like the beard comb over or go to the bathroom with the door open on Sex and the City or be the guy people meow at in Super Troopers.… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
The whole idea of celebrity is flattering - it helps you get into restaurants and stuff - but once you obtain some creative fulfillment, which you do on a nightly basis as a comedian, it's hard to give that up… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
