“On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate “Son, you're complaining to the wrong man. I can shit anywhere, at any time. It's one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest.” — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“Even though I grew up two hours south, I had rarely ventured to Los Angeles. I soon learned that my dad wasn't totally off… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“Someday you’re gonna go stupid for a woman. And when you do, do me this one favor: don’t get all caught up in the… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“On My Interest in Smoking Cigars “You’re not a cigar guy…. Well, the first reason that jumps out at me is that you hold… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“On my seventh birthday party: No, you can't have a bouncy house at your birthday party...What do you mean, why? Have you ever thought… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine. — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more. — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
On Furnishing One's Home - Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“On Packing My Own Lunch You have to pack a sandwich. It can't just be cookies and bullshit....No, I said if you packed it… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out. — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“Human beings do dumb shit. You do dumb shit. She does dumb shit. Everyone does dumb shit. Then, every once in a while, we… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
