When it's asshole-tightening time, that's when you see what people are made of. Or at least what their asshole is made of. — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“People are always trying to tell you how to feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
I just wanted to compile these stories about growing up with my father and I wanted people to be able to enjoy… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.. — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
I'm not a guy who curses very much in my personal life. When I curse it sounds like a kid trying to… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
Eventually, though, I came to the conclusion that I was the male equivalent of a Toyota Camry. You know: No one ever… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
The Internet has really democratized ideas. There are no real gatekeepers any more, because if you have a great idea, and you… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“Even though I grew up two hours south, I had rarely ventured to Los Angeles. I soon learned that my dad wasn't totally off… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“Someday you’re gonna go stupid for a woman. And when you do, do me this one favor: don’t get all caught up in the… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“On My Interest in Smoking Cigars “You’re not a cigar guy…. Well, the first reason that jumps out at me is that you hold… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“On my seventh birthday party: No, you can't have a bouncy house at your birthday party...What do you mean, why? Have you ever thought… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine. — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more. — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
On Furnishing One's Home - Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“On Packing My Own Lunch You have to pack a sandwich. It can't just be cookies and bullshit…No, I said if you packed it… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out. — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
“Human beings do dumb shit. You do dumb shit. She does dumb shit. Everyone does dumb shit. Then, every once in a while, we… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
