A humorist tells himself every morning, "I hope it's going to be a rough day." When things are going well, it's much harder to make the right jokes. — Alan Coren Copy Share Image
There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn't all the water… — Alan Coren Copy Share Image
Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what it is you want to hear. — Alan Coren Copy Share Image
Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren't called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?) — Alan Coren Copy Share Image
Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea. — Alan Coren Copy Share Image
The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it. — Alan Coren Copy Share Image
English Bohemianism is a curiously unluscious fruit. ... Inside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, passion-flowers cross-pollinate in wild… — Alan Coren Copy Share Image
All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons. — Alan Coren Copy Share Image
I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things. — Alan Coren Copy Share Image
Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear. — Alan Coren Copy Share Image
In the days when the keepers of the house shall tremble, and the strong men shall bow themselves, and the grinders cease because they… — Alan Coren Copy Share Image
I wonder sometimes if manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things. — Alan Coren Copy Share Image
