Payroll Quotes by Alan Coren

There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn't all the water…

— Alan Coren

Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what it is you want to hear.

— Alan Coren

Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren't called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)

— Alan Coren

Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.

— Alan Coren

The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.

— Alan Coren

To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.

— Alan Coren

English Bohemianism is a curiously unluscious fruit. ... Inside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, passion-flowers cross-pollinate in wild…

— Alan Coren

All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.

— Alan Coren

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

— Alan Coren

Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear.

— Alan Coren

In the days when the keepers of the house shall tremble, and the strong men shall bow themselves, and the grinders cease because they…

— Alan Coren

I wonder sometimes if manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

— Alan Coren