Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death. — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
To tell you the truth, there are all these websites predicting my early death, and it's starting to work on me! — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation. — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy.… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
It's weird because standup can be like therapy. Comedians can't be satisfied with just having fun with our friends. We've got to figure out… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long. — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off. — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party. — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs. — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
