I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
With Katrina, it's almost like the sequel that doesn't live up to the original. It's certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow… — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is… — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
I remember being at the premiere of 'Beverly Hills Cop II' and the tremendous reaction from the crowd outside, then going to a party… — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
I found out about Jonathan Winters death a day after it happened. That seems wrong. A talent like his should be more revered. The… — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's… — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
