Suck my hemorrhoids!

The movies are celluloid hemorrhoids. No, worse: They're celluloid Bon Jovi.

— Kyle Smith

Hemorrhoids can bleed, typically after a bowel movement, producing blood-streaked stool or toilet paper, .. The blood may turn water in the toilet bowl…

— Alfred the Great

Sir, this lane is for ten items or less. I’m counting thirteen items in your cart, including that hemorrhoid cream. And while hemorrhoids might…

— Anonymous

You must be Pain in the Nick.” – Dev “Huh?” – Nick “Don’t wet your pets. Just a figure of speech. Your mom’s been…

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

One poll showed that Americans have a higher opinion of witches, the IRS and hemorrhoids than Congress

— Tom Coburn

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids

— George Carlin

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I think God created ex-wives to remind us that hemorrhoids really aren't the biggest pain the ass!

— Jason Lee

I saw a sign one time that said 'hemorrhoids awareness week' at the doctor's office. Let me tell you, if you got hemorrhoids, I'm…

— Larry the Cable Guy

The one who swallows cactuses with spines should not complain about hemorrhoids.

— Etgar Keret

I have, of all the inglorious things, a malignant hemorrhoid. What color bracelet does one wear for that? And where does one wear it?…

— P. J. O'Rourke

The other thing that's useful for me is this notion of the absolute versus the relative:if we walk out and it's a beautiful morning,…

— George Saunders

When I first started out, I was considered a crackpot. The doctors used to say, "Don't go to that Jack LaLanne, you'll get hemorrhoids,…

— Jack LaLanne

I was playing basketball, and I had hemorrhoids in high school.

— Ari Shaffir

Nothing can be said about our politics that has not already been said about hemorrhoids.

— Anonymous